They say the crisis is in the head. You think of him - you see confirmations. You don't think, you don't see. That's the fashionable way of thinking these days, that all problems come from the head and the crisis comes from there, too. That's partly true. Especially when it comes to women.
Because we're able to create the world around us based on what's in our head and heart.
We perceive information the way our perceptual locators are tuned. I'll tell you a story. Irina was almost 40 years old when she realized an important thing from her past.
When she was 16, she had a big love affair with a classmate. They were looked at as an example, they were the prettiest couple. And it was already decided that right after their birthdays they would get married. No one doubted it would happen. And she had one condition. No sex before marriage. They've met, they've talked, they've held hands.
About six months before the supposed marriage license application, he went away to a sanatorium with his parents. Every night he called her - she sat and waited for his calls. Then one day he didn't call. She said she smelled something wrong right away. He came back a week later. But different. Lost and depressed. He didn't tell her anything, nothing seemed to have changed.
But one day I couldn't take it. And he told me that there was a big party for young people in the sanatorium that night, where alcohol was secretly poured. And after all that, he found himself in bed with a girl he didn't know. Without realizing how.
Ira told me with tears in her eyes, though so many years had passed, how the world had fallen apart for her. Her first love, her faithful and trustworthy one, betrayed her. And the most hurtful thing was what he said to her last:
"It wasn't love, it was just an attraction, nothing serious.".
For some reason, she thought he was talking about their relationship. It seemed to her that he had not only made a mistake, but devalued everything that had happened between them. As if he, having experienced sexual pleasures, realized that sex was better than the intimacy that had lived between them all these years.
That was the end of it; they've stopped communicating ever since. It was not easy for her - many years she had healed her wounds and learned to trust men. At the time of our conversation, she was almost forty, already had a happy family, a beloved husband, two grown-up daughters. And living the trauma of first love with one of them, she remembered him. And she realized. She realized that the phrase that had hurt her wasn't about her. And about that chance encounter. As best he could, he tried to explain to her that he loved her and didn't want to lose her.
Irina said it was a shock for her. Turns out it was her perception that reacted that way, having the example of her parents with divorce and cheating in front of her. She interpreted his phrase the opposite way and ended the relationship then. It hurt both of us so much. Although I honestly admit that I could have forgiven him if he hadn't said so.
You can't turn back the clock, and each of them has their own life. Thank God, happy. Although there might be fewer scars on your hearts. And all it takes is one phrase that the dodgy female mind has turned 180 degrees. And the man didn't even understand how it happened at all.
This is just one example. We really know how to make noise out of nothing. We know how to get ourselves wound up where there is nothing to even hang on to. We can make a scandal out of nothing. Alas.
It all depends on what wave we're in tune with, what we're clinging to, from what point of reference we draw our conclusions...
The same action, the same phrase we interpret in different ways, based on how we feel right now.
And the crisis in this, too, is indicative. I know examples of women who didn't seem to be affected by the crisis, but their anxiety did shove it into their families. But I also know those who in difficult times were optimistic, with gratitude for the world, and inside their homes do not even notice the hurricane that is outside.
There is a story that a French businessman came to America during the Great Depression and built a huge business from the ground up. Which is strange enough - there's a crisis in the country, and he's succeeding. And when asked how it happened, he replied that he simply didn't know anything about the crisis, because he didn't speak English well at the time and hadn't read the newspapers.
The story is telling - you shouldn't focus on the crisis. And they should not justify their laziness, why do something, it will not work out anyway. There's no need to reinforce their insecurities and their strengths. And although in times of crisis there are so many reasons to feel sorry for yourself, it's in hard times that this method of collecting bonuses should be abandoned. But is it worth pretending that nothing happens? That it doesn't concern us and won't touch us? That there is no crisis at all? Aren't we then like an ostrich with its head in the sand??
I prefer to look openly into the eyes of what's going on. No fear or panic.
Accepting it and living it - together with my family, my loved ones.
If the crisis came, it means there's a need for it. It is necessary to take its possibilities, but do not go into hysterics and panic about it.
There is a crisis, for one thing. That the crisis is a good thing - that's two. The crisis is temporary - that's three. A crisis is our time, and that's the most important thing. The best time for growth, development and change.
Olga Valyaeva
They say the crisis is in the head. You think of him - you see confirmations. You don't think, you don't see. That's the fashionable way of thinking these days, that all problems come from the head and the crisis comes from there, too. That's partly true. Especially when it comes to women.
Because we're able to create the world around us based on what's in our head and heart.
We perceive information the way our perceptual locators are tuned. I'll tell you a story. Irina was almost 40 years old when she realized an important thing from her past.
When she was 16, she had a big love affair with a classmate. They were looked at as an example, they were the prettiest couple. And it was already decided that right after their birthdays they would get married. No one doubted it would happen. And she had one condition. No sex before marriage. They've met, they've talked, they've held hands.
About six months before the supposed marriage license application, he went away to a sanatorium with his parents. Every night he called her - she sat and waited for his calls. Then one day he didn't call. She said she smelled something wrong right away. He came back a week later. But different. Lost and depressed. He didn't tell her anything, nothing seemed to have changed.
But one day I couldn't take it. And he told me that there was a big party for young people in the sanatorium that night, where alcohol was secretly poured. And after all that, he found himself in bed with a girl he didn't know. Without realizing how.
Ira told me with tears in her eyes, though so many years had passed, how the world had fallen apart for her. Her first love, her faithful and trustworthy one, betrayed her. And the most hurtful thing was what he said to her last:
"It wasn't love, it was just an attraction, nothing serious.".
For some reason, she thought he was talking about their relationship. It seemed to her that he had not only made a mistake, but devalued everything that had happened between them. As if he, having experienced sexual pleasures, realized that sex was better than the intimacy that had lived between them all these years.
That was the end of it; they've stopped communicating ever since. It was not easy for her - many years she had healed her wounds and learned to trust men. At the time of our conversation, she was almost forty, already had a happy family, a beloved husband, two grown-up daughters. And living the trauma of first love with one of them, she remembered him. And she realized. She realized that the phrase that had hurt her wasn't about her. And about that chance encounter. As best he could, he tried to explain to her that he loved her and didn't want to lose her.
Irina said it was a shock for her. Turns out it was her perception that reacted that way, having the example of her parents with divorce and cheating in front of her. She interpreted his phrase the opposite way and ended the relationship then. It hurt both of us so much. Although I honestly admit that I could have forgiven him if he hadn't said so.
You can't turn back the clock, and each of them has their own life. Thank God, happy. Although there might be fewer scars on your hearts. And all it takes is one phrase that the dodgy female mind has turned 180 degrees. And the man didn't even understand how it happened at all.
This is just one example. We really know how to make noise out of nothing. We know how to get ourselves wound up where there is nothing to even hang on to. We can make a scandal out of nothing. Alas.
It all depends on what wave we're in tune with, what we're clinging to, from what point of reference we draw our conclusions...
The same action, the same phrase we interpret in different ways, based on how we feel right now.
And the crisis in this, too, is indicative. I know examples of women who didn't seem to be affected by the crisis, but their anxiety did shove it into their families. But I also know those who in difficult times were optimistic, with gratitude for the world, and inside their homes do not even notice the hurricane that is outside.
There is a story that a French businessman came to America during the Great Depression and built a huge business from the ground up. Which is strange enough - there's a crisis in the country, and he's succeeding. And when asked how it happened, he replied that he simply didn't know anything about the crisis, because he didn't speak English well at the time and hadn't read the newspapers.
The story is telling - you shouldn't focus on the crisis. And they should not justify their laziness, why do something, it will not work out anyway. There's no need to reinforce their insecurities and their strengths. And although in times of crisis there are so many reasons to feel sorry for yourself, it's in hard times that this method of collecting bonuses should be abandoned. But is it worth pretending that nothing happens? That it doesn't concern us and won't touch us? That there is no crisis at all? Aren't we then like an ostrich with its head in the sand??
I prefer to look openly into the eyes of what's going on. No fear or panic.
Accepting it and living it - together with my family, my loved ones.
If the crisis came, it means there's a need for it. It is necessary to take its possibilities, but do not go into hysterics and panic about it.
There is a crisis, for one thing. That the crisis is a good thing - that's two. The crisis is temporary - that's three. A crisis is our time, and that's the most important thing. The best time for growth, development and change.
Olga Valyaeva